Resurfacing

Metaphors. I love them. This one sums up what I am feeling right now. It's like I recently went for a deep dive into the bottom of a murky lake and although not "bad" in reality because all things work out for greater good, it was hard to see down there. I was probably scared of the unknowns and knew it would take some work to get back up from the depths of that place. Also, if you were swimming  back up to shore in your own lake, running low on oxygen, you would stop at nothing to get back to the top, to resurface into the place where the sun shines and life keeps moving on. Stay stuck at the bottom of that lake and sooner or later the world goes on without you.

 

 

 

I feel free when I am behind my camera. All of a sudden things are brighter and you take a closer look as your brain captures the moment first in your mind and then *snap*, the moment is trapped in time. It's the way the lens transforms the rippling waves of a lake into the rippling waves of a still photo; or the way a child swings high into blue sky and then her hair is forever stopped just so with the wind twirling it. It's the way you see the details so clearly when you're focusing with the camera and how it slowly focuses the moment in real life into something magical. Something that is a gift already but now it has a treasure to show for it.

 

 

I go back over the photos and I look at them, I zoom in on my children's eyes or the way my youngest smiles with his lip curled under, and I laugh because somehow I miss that way too much in the speeding moments of the day.

 

 

 

I know this is my answer. Use whatever tools you need to find the beauty. And when the beauty is found then so is the grace.

Life is hard; it's so cliché but true. Yet life is full of so many exquisite moments; these amazing moments that are waiting to be captured. Sunsets and sunrises that happen every morning and every night. How often do we wake up early enough to witness such beauty? A free gift for the taking. Birds flying by, children skipping stones into shallow water, the way their faces look when you tell them a joke, how their hair, full of electricity, sticks up on all ends as they slide down the slide.  How many times have I watched my boys slide down slides in almost seven years? Too many to count. But how many times did I really see them?? How many times did I capture that moment in my mind? Not nearly enough.

 

It's very late and I can hear the train's whistle, just down the street, alerting the sleeping town of its transient presence. I find comfort in this sound, it's been a constant companion to me in each home I have ever lived in. But this train sounds different tonight. It's passing by to remind me to stay awake. Life is like that train; just passing by. There are plenty of whistles to alert us that it's here right now, steadily moving forward on the track, but just how often do we stop to listen?

And another metaphor. Sweet dreams.

 

 

Bucket List

I am trying something new today and I am looking forward to seeing how this helps my emotional state. Since I have been feeling so down lately, letting my emotions get the best of me, and because I refuse to sit around wallowing in self pity, I have decided that starting today and every day for the rest of the summer, I am determined to check one thing off of our summer bucket list and document along side my gratitude journal which I have neglected for too long. I hope this will help bring me back to the clarity I seem to have lost about my purpose, not only as a mother but as a human being.

 

Feeling alone, sad and down right moody is not a fun place to be in during the summer. There are only so many days of sunshine and warm weather, and I have an imagination full of ideas that have been floating restlessly around in my head, weighed down by a body that just couldn't get motivated to get out and make the fun happen. Fun is something you create; it's an attitude aimed at success and not at failure. I know inside I have the ability to find joy in whatever situation I am in, regardless of circumstances. I am strong and capable and have succeeded many times in overcoming this uphill battle. I am tired of believing that I cannot do it again. So I will succeed, I just need to admit that I need help in doing it. The important lesson I am learning in all of this is  that I need to be willing to accept the help in whatever form it comes to me and not have expectations on what it should look like. Friendship, opportunity and happiness come in so many different disguises. If I can open my heart wider than I normally do, then I will be pulled out of my glass house and into the village of houses filled with love. I can't wait to discover these love houses. :)

 

So without further ado, our summer bucket list:

 

Make fried chicken and lemonade and pack it up for a picnic.  

 

 Take the boys to a movie and let them have popcorn AND candy. 

 

Spend an evening watching planes take off at the airport.

 

Treasure hunt hike at a local metro park.  

 

 Meet daddy for lunch and eat at a local food truck.

A visit to the state fair! 

 

Make at least one new friend. Schedule a play date.

 

Spend time with old friends that I haven't seen in awhile. **Today I was able to have a lunch date with one of my best friends from college. She and her beautiful daughter came over and the boys loved spending time with such a sweet little 6-month old!



 

Catch fireflies with the boys.

 

More bowling.

 

Take the boys to play mini golf and to the batting cages.

 

Sunset walk at our special sunset spot.

 

Catch the sunrise.
 

Paint art work. **Here is a picture I created the other night. It didn't take very much time and it has inspired me to keep creating!

 

Go thrifting!

Join a reading program at the library. (Already done. Caden is rocking out his summer reading!)  

 

Get a massage. I'll take a hubby massage, too!  My hubby should really be a massage therapist, he worked out some major kinks in my back this week!!

 

Have a date night with each of my boys separately.

 

Have a date night with my hubby!

Visit a spray park.

 

 

Tell myself something great about me every day.  **Getting pretty good at this, and pursuing help when I need the extra affirmation.

 

Go to more farmer's markets and Friday night family nights.

 

Try new summer recipes with delicious summer produce.

 

Take more photographs.  ** I definitely have been snapping away, pretty much every day! Love it!

 

Ride my bike more!

 

 

 

Blog at least once per week. I really missed writing and it's therapeutic.  **Blogging is going well!

 

Have a camp out//movie night on the sectional.

 

Roast marshmallows on the fire pit.

 

BBQ ribs on the new grill.

 

Go on an adventure.

** We went to an underground cavern and mined for gems!

 

 Make up a board game.

 

Go to "dirt beach".

 

 Pick blueberries and make blueberry pie.

 

Write a story with Caden. (We are working on our story but here is a song we wrote together!)

 

 Baseball game! 

 

Those are just a few of my ideas. What's on your summer bucket list and what have you already accomplished?

  

Glass House

Depression. It has plagued me for as long as I can remember. I can't even think of myself as a child really happy all the time, it was tinged by sadness and confusion. I know that there were moments when I felt carefree but I also worried even as a four year old. I stayed up late at night, after everyone was asleep, worrying that a robber would break in, or that our house would catch on fire, or that my parents didn't really love me and would leave me. I remember hearing voices as a child calling my name. When this occurred again in adulthood after the birth of my second son, I was told that the inner voice, my inner dialog, was very high, that I was hypersensitive and hence suffered from post-partum depression which landed me in the mental hospital. I have struggled since my teenage years with hormone imbalance and PMDD. The thing is, I really want to be happy and most people would guess that I am. But depression can be silent and it's not always evident on the outside.

 

 

I told my husband that I feel like I live in a glass house. I feel like everyone can see in; see my flaws and how I struggle with yelling at my little kids because I become overwhelmed by their constant needs with little space for my own self care. I worry people would judge how I sometimes hide in my bed, in a ball of tears, willing the ramble of negative thoughts away. How I look outside at the sun shining and wonder what all my friends are doing to enjoy this day while I sit in my glass house alone. I go to bed some nights feeling guilty, like I'm a bad mom and a bad wife. I feel insecure and lost and desperately alone. I can't reach out. I can't call people and ask them to come over. I feel like they are looking in but don't know how to help me. I don't know how either.

 

 

I have spent years on medication, anti-everythings, to take this darkness away. It always seemed to help for awhile but didn't take it completely away. It is always comes back around, this sadness. I am trying to change the way I think. I try not to dwell on these terrible lies when they enter my head. I spend time praying, meditating, reading books on how to be happy or books about world travels. I do these things everyday. I pray and ask for wisdom on how to handle all of this, but the thorn is always there. I listen to my husband when he gives me advice, and tells me how silly it is that I feel like nobody cares about me. I go out into the world and take my kids fun places, I put my emotions aside most days to be the best mom I can be, but it never feels like enough. I am plagued by days of sadness and I can't really explain why I feel that way. But I do. It feels like a part of who I am, this feeling of misunderstanding and being misunderstood. I do realize this is no one's burden to carry but mine. I do realize that if I embraced the divine spirit of Love, I could transform this sadness into something that could help others break down their own glass houses. But I just can't seem to get to that point right now. So I settle in with this feeling for another day and say my prayers, and spill out my trust that in spite of this pain, I am loved even if I cannot always feel it.
 

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” -Longfellow

Wishes

♥ ♥  Sweet children, the ones who are here to love and be loved, I wish for you these things..

Dreams that carry you through your days and nights.

At least one friend to talk to when things feel weighty on your shoulders.

Roads that travel ever winding, full of promise and wisdom.

Waking up with your heart singing praises.

Music, the kind you get lost in, that fills you up inside.

Someone to tell you that you are beautiful and valuable each and every day, even if it is  you  who says it.

Hope. There is always more beauty and there is always more love. Go find it.

Passion.

Compassion.

Confidence in yourself, enough to walk with your head held high, because you never forget to remember how loved you are.

Acceptance of yourself as you are, your flaws, your passions and your uniqueness.

The ability to say "No, Thank You."

World adventures and traveling, even if it involves a library book and your imagination.

Hard hugs.

Beautiful sunny days and some gray rainy ones, too, so that you will really know how special the sunny ones are.

I wish for each of you a love that takes your breath away. Someone to hold you when you are at your worst and encourage you to be your best. And when you find that love, make sure to never let it go.

Patience and acceptance. You are a beautiful stone flowing through life's great river; have faith that you are exactly where you need to be.

Gratitude through the valleys  and  up on the mountaintops.

Each other, always.

Mostly I wish for you both to know how much I love you. I will always be your biggest fan, cheering from the sidelines at every Big Game. And someday when you look into your own child's eyes, you will really know just how lucky I feel to have you.  ♥ ♥